The heaven’s dark. The miserable truth about me- wounded and broken- is revealing its certitude. My surrounding is betraying and killing me inside I can never cease the pain it almost drives me crazy… I don’t understand everything… put me in an asylum. Now!
Tonight is a lonely period. I am being dragged down by my emotions. Emotions in which I can no longer find strength. It feels like, in a sudden moment, all these things will collapse. And I can’t wait for that instance to happen.
I am humming the sound of your name as I write this while wiping the tears flowing down my cheeks. I just want you to know how broken I am, and how wounded I seem. Despite the pain, all I can think about is us. And thinking about us is causing me a lot of pain. But I don’t mind… I don’t actually know what you are doing right now, I just hope you are thinking of me. Damn, I know you are not. I feel so lonely it nearly kills me. Though I am not alone for I am surrounded by other human beings I am not familiar with.
I don’t know if one day, you will have this spot discovered and read every single word I’ve nailed in here and able to see this one for you. I don’t have any idea what’s gonna be your reaction by then, for I believe, by the moment you see this, I am clueless. I am far off. Because you asked me to.
But you are able to hunt me through these words, know my situation, and empathize.
Every night when I sleep, our past is hunting me. I am hunted by our precious memories, the butterflies in my stomach get crazy whenever in my dreams, your eyes meet mine. I am breathless whenever I picture the “us” in my own dreams. I miss everything about you- your features and all. I always remember that I never had few words to say to you. I never dared to be in silent mode whenever we hang out, never ever let us have dull moments. We were happy. Most of the time, I always enjoyed writing and expressing my thoughts by the playful curves of each letter in the alphabet, that is such an extraordinary thing on earth. And writing one for you is the most endearing thing ever… I am doing it now.
What was wrong? What is wrong?
The time you asked me to stay from you because you need space from me for whatever reason I never have deciphered, I’ve shattered into pieces yet I did still what I was asked for. Because I don’t want you to get mad at me. Simply by that reason, I followed your command.
Now, the pain is seeping through my soul whenever I think of you. The raging thunder in my body, the blurry vision, and the crazy thoughts about our future, make me more impossible. You are the only man I loved the most. You made me like this. And it really hurts nothing can rectify but you. Only you.
To the man who I loved the most, I am keeping the promise of never running away from you. Because I am afraid. Because thinking of that idea makes me gasp I can hardly breathe. I would never want to run away. I’d be distant but never ever am. I’d be distant for a meantime, but one day I’ll find a way to escape and search for you.
Tonight. Tonight is a lonely night it feels like it’s been decades since I’ve seen and talked to you. I am dying crazy. I am dying to almost endure being off. I am lonely for God’s sake, come back to me. I am away.
I promise. I won’t come closer to you until you realize my absence and beckon me to come back.
I might be far from you, but one thing is for sure, I never am.