Remember the 26th night of March when we both were sitting on this bench? You were talking about the things we had been through. I was looking up the skies as if counting the stars above, praying deep down to change your mind to not break up with me, while you were bringing up random memories I still completely remember. I wanted to lean on your shoulder and cry. I wanted to ask you to stop talking and just listen to my sob.
But you seemed to enjoying the moment of having a chance to talk. I was just sitting beside you, humming inside my head the song you used to sing for me when you asked me to become your girlfriend three years ago; reminiscing those beautiful memories in the past, feeling your voice. I was listening in every word you speak as to why you’re asking for a lifetime space.
I knew exactly where it would go when you first invited me that afternoon to have a serious talk with you. And I proved myself correct. You said you’re breaking up with me because, you don’t feel any spark anymore and you’re tired. I told you that I felt the same way but only you who wanted to give up.
I did not say anything. I just cried and cried and cried until I was naive enough to feel the pain. When you stood up and kissed me goodbye, I didn’t bother to move because I knew that after a minute or two, you’d come back. This time, I was wrong.
I was wrong with all that I had expected from you. I was wrong in believing that you would never hurt me and break my heart. I was wrong in everything I had thought about having a wonderful life with you in the future. I was wrong that that moment you would return to say sorry and ask me to forgive you for all the things you had just said. I was wrong enough to trust you.
I waited for your return until many minutes had passed, I was still alone in the dark. It felt as if my world had crashed into smaller pieces. While sitting alone, my mind was filled with so many questions that answers were no where to be found. I was like solving a puzzle no one could ever resolve but you. And it almost killed me.
I should have said something before you walked away. I should have followed to ward you off. I should have begged you to come back. I should have fought for us. But I didn’t do anything because I was rubbery and crying like a baby. And I blamed myself for letting you walked away.
And today, the memories of the past are crawling back to me. And funny how it makes me weep at this moment. I am here in the place where you ended our love story. I am sitting exactly in the spot where I experienced my very first heartbreak. Never will I forget the moment you said you’re breaking up with me because you were tired of our relationship and that you were no longer feeling any spark. Never. Because it was exactly the first time in my life to have felt like being stabbed. It was painful.
I was hoping back then that by writing down all my feelings after you’ve left, you would find a way back to me. I was hoping that one day, we’d be together once again and would fight for all the things we once have shared, all those memories that have been shattered everywhere.
To the man who broke my heart, I thank you.
In those days that I was in the process of healing, I learned that there are so many things beyond this life. I learned that I can still get up in the morning despite the pain, and that I am brave enough to face this agony. I learned that we really can not get the things that we want for a life time and that life is inevitable to teach us lessons sometimes in a harsh and stupid ways.
I have forgiven the past- you. I don’t feel any heavy punch whenever you appear in my mind. Yet, I am lying if I said that part of me does not linger for you. Because the truth is, I still miss you. I miss all the things about you. But thank you. Thank you for all the lessons and realizations.
And thank you for at least I’ve been privileged to be loved by you.