words

An Open Letter To Myself

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You were telling me yesterday how things had been for the past couple of weeks. I was listening in every word you say, and on how you relate to me everything that happened. From your words and from the way you say them, it was clearly expressed that you were not happy, that you were completely broken.
 
I saw you this morning breaking down when I was awaken by your mourns. And I could even imagine how painful your situation is. It’s totally bad. It hurts me, actually. I could not stand seeing you by that situation so, I consoled you with all my might. And fortunately, I was able to convince you to stop crying.
 
And at this very moment, as I look at my reflection at the mirror, I can see that you are guilty of one thing. And that is of letting him in and broke your heart once again. I can also see the pain in your swollen eyes brought by too much crying and suffering. And you know what? It breaks me into pieces.
 
You do not deserve this kind of life. You are wonderful enough to experience this kind of agony. You deserve to be happy. My dear self, you have to let it go now and move on. 
 
You deserve someone better. You don’t deserve the man who will throw you profanities, who will joke you as if you’re nothing, who will humiliate you in front of his parents, who does not go with your travels, who does not want to be introduced to your new friends, who does not see a future with you, who calls you bad names, who controls you in your activities, who walks away and leaves you because he’s mad, who asks space from you for a lifetime, and who is not proud of having you as his girlfriend.
 
You do not deserve that kind of man. You do not deserve him.
 
I’ve been always telling you that you deserve someone who will look after you every second, every minute of your life because you are amazing. You deserve the man who won’t let you travel alone as he is afraid that something bad might happen to you. You deserve someone who wants to see the beauty of this world with you, someone who observes your every step along the trail as you trek through the jungle and reach the summit of a mountain. You deserve the man who will go with you to the Church and hold your hands and together you will pray. You deserve the man who is proud of you; who will proudly introduce you to his friends, relatives, and family.
 
You deserve respect and more than anything else, you deserve the man you will bring joy, happiness, and peace in you everyday; the man who will buy you books, read your essays, and support you in everything you desire.
 
Stop crying, my dear self. You are not worthy of the pain you’re feeling. I know that because I’ve seen how much you cared for this man, and how much effort you exerted for the sake of your relationship; you fought very hard for this man, you loved him more than anything else. But shit happens, things sometimes turn in a wrong direction, people sometimes do not see our worth.
 
You are not lost. You have never been, remember that. No one can blame you for falling in love for the second time with your first love. If loving him was right then, you just did the right thing; you did your part. But things have changed now. You’ve had enough. You learned your lesson so please stop hurting yourself by falling in love with him again. Do not let him in anymore.
 
And I am really sorry for you being broken today. Today, feel the pain. It is just the beginning of this stupid game. You are strong and I believe you will be able to get over with the torture, bitterness, and hatred in your heart. Eventually, you will be happy that it will bring light to the lives of other people. Because you are such an inspiration.
 
Let the pain make you stronger. Let the pain make you move on. Let the pain make you forgive him, the man who broke your heart. Let the pain change you to a brand new person. Let the pain teach you to not look back.
 
And let the pain make you smile genuinely forever.
kcc.
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