Posted in life

On Feeling Like A Failure

​I failed the CS exam and I am not embarrassed about it.

Only yesterday, when I visited Civil Service Commission facebook page did I learn that the result has been released. At first, I was kinda hesitant to browse through the website in concern that I might not find my name among the list of passers. My emotions during my attempts to go to the link – tense through anxiety and nervousness – brought me back to my UP admission memories when at the end I found out that I did not make it.

I can still recall the time when I took the UPCAT 7 years ago. After the exam, I was already excited to know the result right away. I remember the agony I had prolonged and the uneasiness I had felt by waiting for something I was unsure of. What if I did not pass? What if I upset my parents and those who expect a lot from me? These were the thoughts I had wished to cease from arriving. I was clueless. But still I waited until the truth had spoken.

Then, I failed.

In this phase of my life when frustrations almost dragged me down, I tried to overcome the negative feelings within me. I tried harder to uplift my spirit by thinking positively that exasperation is temporary, and to instill in myself that giving up is only for the weak and that I am not weak. Many times have I encountered failures but never in my life did I allow myself to stay in that stage. I move on and continue to chase places I would call home later. Places where I am supposed to be.

Failures tend to make us weak but I am stronger when I am weak.

Thus, for those friends who failed (life me) in the CS exam, remember it does not necessarily mean that we are incapable of attaining our goals. This may sound cliche but we can not really deny the fact that in everything, there is always a reason. Perhaps we failed on our first attempt. I understand if you feel bad right now. I feel bad too. But look, does it do any good? The answer would always be a No. The best thing we can do is to retake. Certainly, no one’s stopping us from doing the right thing. Regardless of how many times we reapply, don’t give up not even until we make it.

I always believe that after your downfalls, good things will follow. Only if you trust yourself and do whatever it takes to stand up.

I am not posting this to get sympathy from those passers or from those who have the same story as mine. I wanted to write this to share the positive vibes and thoughts I am feeling with those who did not make it. And please stop saying that you are not smart and you do not deserve success just because you failed.

Make a motivation out of it instead. Remember, only smart people know that failure plays an integral role in the pursuit of success. If you know this, therefore, you are smart.

Sending you smiles!


Posted in life, Uncategorized

A Love Letter To My 23-Year Old Self

Dear Kristine,

It has been a long and tough journey, hasn’t it? You almost gave up on your challenges just because you were afraid that if you continue to fight, you would get defeated. But you know what’s great about you? Despite you’re struggling on how to win your battles, you still have showed the world that you are unafraid and confident to face each trial. You are brave, remember that. Because if you are not, you could have been defeated by now.

I saw how calmly you consider harsh words from people who tried to bring you down and lose your self-esteem. I saw how you keep your track so you would not get to their levels. Many times I have seen you on your almost-down situation but you never let yourself to stay there. You have been hurt that even myself wanted to leave you so I would not see your pain. Because I know that behind your smiles lies an unpleasant setting. And by knowing the truth breaks me. But you endure until you overcome whatever it is. Sometimes, to be honest, your carrying the burden all by yourself triggers me to distant because it’s too much to see you pretending that everything is okay. In spite of it, I always find a way to stay for you. Because I believe in you and that I don’t let my life slip through my fingers by not witnessing your triumphs.

You have truly grown now. You are no longer that little kid who once had been reluctant to face her fears. Things are not the same as it was. You have become fearless of dares and you don’t allow anyone’s opinions drag you anymore. You have learned from your mistakes of letting their words come your way. But you must be thankful for it prepared you to become stronger now.

You’ve got a good heart full of good intentions and aspirations. Your relationship with God is inseparable. You are an inspiration to the people at your age. I know someday you don’t have to undergo difficulties just to show the world how courageous you are because enough is your willpower to succeed in achieving your goals and objectives despite your obstacles to prove it.

You are not alone. You are surrounded by people who always support you in your becoming the person you desire to be. There may be other people who don’t believe in your abilities but are they worth your time? Of course not. You know you don’t owe them one, do you?

You are 23 and yet your prince charming has not even arrived. Don’t rush things. You still have things to accomplish in your life. You are still young and there is still a long journey to go. You are gonna have to focus first on your stability. That would prepare you to settle down in a great manner.

Be yourself. You are fully aware of how things get better and how it slowly betrays you. Your experiences have equipped you to deal with your upcoming battles. I believe in you, do not forget that. And I love you more than anyone else does.

Good luck. Pray. Be brave.




Posted in life, Uncategorized

Road To My 23rd Year

Upon writing this one, it just came to my mind that this year is about to end. And that 30 days from now, another blank space of my life will begin to be filled with new yet exciting events.

As an adult, it’s very important to think about our future in general. One thing is because our lives move in a forward fashion and of the fact that we are never getting any younger. One might think we need to be health-conscious as early as our young age, and be aware financially- save money and invest. These factors may create lapses in our everyday lives once neglected to prioritize. Remember, our future relies on how we prepare ourselves today.

To think about it in advance is basically a big step in having a beautiful, prosperous life which is something everyone aims for. For certain scenarios like crossing the streets, I always imagine what my life would be in the next coming days and this leads me to think and act positively; and I manage to keep the what-ifs in an active mode before doing the things that are cooking up in my head because, I might do wrong. I hate frustrations by the way.

I find it valuable to always think about our life in the succeeding days every single moment of our lives because, that’ll push us make whatever our goals in a day happen and create a relevant and memorable moment each day with our friends and family in particular, regardless of whatever challenges this life may bring along our ways.

30 days from now, I’ll be turning 23, an age in which I’ve dreamed of having a boyfriend when I was 8 (crazy, isn’t it?); a time in which I’ve predicted myself 15 years ago to be a successful bookstore owner– rich and already able to put her family from poverty. It’s funny how these dreams still remain as they are. But who knows? Miracle happens everywhere, I believe. I might wake up one morning that all these ultimate dreams have been granted already.

30 days from now, many things will change for sure. I won’t expect anything big (but possibly) would happen in my 23rd year. My only dream is to make my goals from the very beginning guaranteed, to venture as well my family in a much convenient life; for myself– to move forward and continue to aim high.

Furthermore, I am writing this to remind my 22-year old self to keep herself on track because lately, she seemed to be loosing it. HAHA! But anyhow, she was able to cope with whatever. When I say whatever, it means anything forlorn. Boom! I am beyond happy believe it or not.

In 30 days, a new chapter of my life will begin to unfold. There may be a melancholic feeling as I write this but yeah, at least I know I am moving and that I am not living in the past anymore (how I wish I could explain it further but I just don’t know how. This may somehow prove that there are really things in this life that we can not explain but only feel. HAHAHA!). I just wish myself to never let the sadness torture her again.

In 30 days, I’ll be facing a new voyage. I am ready.

Pray me a happy expedition!


Posted in life, Uncategorized

1st Year With WordPress

Happy Anniversary, WordPress!

Yeah! I’m celebrating my first anniversary with WordPress this month. It did not occur to me until I opened my account two hours ago and saw in my notification that it is my Anniversary with WordPress!

This sounds great, isn’t it? I feel so grateful that beyond my busy schedules, I am still able to access and look into my write-ups in here. And it just feels good that after all the reasons why I have created this blog, I’ve been able to know more about myself. I mean, I’ve been true enough with my words in all my posts here and I can say that it helped me improve in this activity.

I have nothing much to say as I just wanna express my gratitude with WordPress for letting me have an outlet of all my thoughts.

I am looking forward to painting my voice through this site and making my dreams possible to come true.

Thanks a lot!


Posted in life, Uncategorized

To The Man Who Broke My Heart

Remember the 26th night of March when we both were sitting on this bench? You were talking about the things we had been through. I was looking up the skies as if counting the stars above, praying deep down to change your mind to not break up with me, while you were bringing up random memories I still completely remember. I wanted to lean on your shoulder and cry. I wanted to ask you to stop talking and just listen to my sob.
But you seemed to enjoying the moment of having a chance to talk. I was just sitting beside you, humming inside my head the song you used to sing for me when you asked me to become your girlfriend three years ago; reminiscing those beautiful memories in the past, feeling your voice. I was listening in every word you speak as to why you’re asking for a lifetime space.
I knew exactly where it would go when you first invited me that afternoon to have a serious talk with you. And I proved myself correct. You said you’re breaking up with me because, you don’t feel any spark anymore and you’re tired. I told you that I felt the same way but only you who wanted to give up.
I did not say anything. I just cried and cried and cried until I was naive enough to feel the pain. When you stood up and kissed me goodbye, I didn’t bother to move because I knew that after a minute or two, you’d come back. This time, I was wrong.
I was wrong with all that I had expected from you. I was wrong in believing that you would never hurt me and break my heart. I was wrong in everything I had thought about having a wonderful life with you in the future. I was wrong that that moment you would return to say sorry and ask me to forgive you for all the things you had just said. I was wrong enough to trust you.
I waited for your return until many minutes had passed, I was still alone in the dark. It felt as if my world had crashed into smaller pieces. While sitting alone, my mind was filled with so many questions that answers were no where to be found. I was like solving a puzzle no one could ever resolve but you. And it almost killed me.
I should have said something before you walked away. I should have followed to ward you off. I should have begged you to come back. I should have fought for us. But I didn’t do anything because I was rubbery and crying like a baby. And I blamed myself for letting you walked away.
And today, the memories of the past are crawling back to me. And funny how it makes me weep at this moment. I am here in the place where you ended our love story. I am sitting exactly in the spot where I experienced my very first heartbreak. Never will I forget the moment you said you’re breaking up with me because you were tired of our relationship and that you were no longer feeling any spark. Never. Because it was exactly the first time in my life to have felt like being stabbed. It was painful.
I was hoping back then that by writing down all my feelings after you’ve left, you would find a way back to me. I was hoping that one day, we’d be together once again and would fight for all the things we once have shared, all those memories that have been shattered everywhere.
To the man who broke my heart, I thank you.
In those days that I was in the process of healing, I learned that there are so many things beyond this life. I learned that I can still get up in the morning despite the pain, and that I am brave enough to face this agony. I learned that we really can not get the things that we want for a life time and that life is inevitable to teach us lessons sometimes in a harsh and stupid ways.
I have forgiven the past- you. I don’t feel any heavy punch whenever you appear in my mind. Yet, I am lying if I said that part of me does not linger for you. Because the truth is, I still miss you. I miss all the things about you. But thank you. Thank you for all the lessons and realizations.
And thank you for at least I’ve been privileged to be loved by you.
Posted in life, Uncategorized

perfectly puzzled…


I hope I could find my way again as I feel lost. I don’t know who I am anymore, and what I want to do, and where I want to go. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about forgiving myself for being who I am today, trying to find out the things that could totally make me happy, and searching the meaning of happiness in every single thing or person I meet along my way. I do the things I am not supposed to do. I don’t any longer know how to filter the words I am about to say. I don’t have control to myself anymore. I am drained with the fact that I am confused about something I cannot figure out what is. I have been thinking about it my whole life.


My life is an example of an insignificant existence.


Nothing’s left to me stable. And the rest of my senses have found their way out that caused me a lot of trouble. I am no longer able to distinguish what is right and what is wrong. I also have forgotten the importance of seeing the truth in one’s eyes, even how to do it. It feels like the light that used to enlighten my way and being has dimmed out. It seems to me that I don’t get the meaning of every lecture I am receiving, despite that I can hear every word. I find it hard to inhale all the good around me for I am not sure if there is any. And whenever I try to breathe out the air I carry within me, I always hope it includes all the toxic in this life.


I do not know what is going on.


Good thing I still know my name, but who really I am? I have no idea anymore.