Posted in Thoughts

She Values Her Worth

Just in case you don’t know, she’s not easy. She’s not that kind of woman who would believe your words without you proving it through actions or even without you being consistent in winning her. She’s tougher now because she learned her lessons the hard way in love. She has been hurt before just so you know. She has been taken for granted that made her vow to never experience the pain she once had felt. She has been through a lot that made her become even stronger today. She is going to be more cautious this time around. So don’t blame her for being tough and hard to get.

But regardless of how she presents herself to the world, behind her positive outlooks lies a sad truth. She may be a tough woman in the outside but she can’t deny the fact that she’s still lacking something in the inside.

Sometimes, she talks vivaciously as if she’s not undergoing something. Her friends will look up to her as a person with an energetic spirit but little do they know that behind all these show-offs is a person with a missing piece. She is trying not to show how hurt she is because as much as possible, she wants to be seen brave, with no bruised at all.

She endures all the pain she carries in her heart, the emptiness that kills her. She hates to get dark because when it does, loneliness creeps in and she can’t bear how heavy it makes her feel. It makes her the saddest person in the world. She hates it when she’s not associated by anyone because after she realizes she’s alone, eventually all she could hear is the sound of her mourning and pain. She sobs for a moment. She will wait until her eyes close so she could fall deeply in love with her dreams. For her, waking up the next day feels like a new battle to begin with.


She craves attention, genuine love, and happiness. She craves for someone who would do everything only to pick the debris of her broken pieces and make it whole again.  She craves for someone who will go with her for a road trip, steal a snapshot of hers while searching the book she wants to read on the bookstore, someone who would let her do crazy things without restrictions. She craves for someone who will fight for her no matter how hard the journey will be, someone who will love listening to her voice as she reads her diary for him. She craves for a meaningful late-night talks, a beautiful conversation about dreams, future, love, and life. She craves for a moment when she’s with her man talking deeply about their plans and goals together under the moon and cover her by so much care and love when she feels cold. She can’t wait for the day when she can feel safe under the arms of the man who sees the beauty in how she became who she is today.

She may have a firm personality but she is a woman who chooses to be kind in the world where she can be anything. She is a strong woman who values her worth and knows her standards. She has a humble heart and she’s trying her best to have a peaceful mind that will remind her that there is more to life than battling with negative emotions.

Man, when you decide to leave her, she’s not going to beg for you to stay because she knows how to keep her promise to never chase a man. She’ll let you go without asking you for a closure. Once you cheat on her and she tells you goodbye, she means it a lot. Don’t expect her to call you back because for her, once she’s hurt and she decides to move forward, there is no turning back. 

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Posted in Thoughts

Staying Upfront

Hi there! Lately was too exhausting and energy-draining for I had to apply for another job and had to jump from one company to another in hopes to get hired in a day processing. You heard it right. I had to look for a new job once again for the 5th time in 3 years. I may sound insufficient and not fitted for all the jobs I’ve had in the previous years but… hell yeah I guess the right thing to say is that I really have never been into all of them so they had to kick my ass out of the company because I wasn’t belong and that they couldn’t stand anymore the fact that I was trying to sit with them when in fact, I couldn’t fit in. But still…

I know better than that. Frankly, before I decided to stay myself off for good from my recent company, I had choked up myself with the reality that I was suspended for 5 consecutive days. At first, I was numb enough to ask the whys and the what-have-I-done kind of questions. Instead I just went with the flow, wrote an explanation letter, signed something I barely recalled by now, did not think twice because what else could have I miraculously done with it? The things that were destined to happened, happened already in its perfect timing. Good job.

I’ll leave the story behind my suspension confidential because if I tell it here, people would probably throw mean words at me or look me like as if I’ve done a stupid thing without using my brain. Although I am very used to this kind of thinking, I will go now straight to my point…

We live in this world where there are so many rules and orders to follow. Orders which meet our values and orders that are against our will but have to comply for the sake of our image. There are also orders that should be taken place to impose as a punishment of whatever wrong-doings we have done. Also there are orders that can set us free. But no matter how many orders or rules we have in this world, that will never explain what kind of a person that person really is.

Okay. Here’s me ranting about my views in this post. I mean, I have been here in this situation before when I was kicked out only because I wasn’t given a chance to prove what I am capable of doing because according to the rule, I shouldn’t be given one. But it doesn’t make me a less human. It taught me to keep moving ahead until I will land to the spot I aim for getting into. It’s tiring, I know, specially when it feels like you are in a race and you have to accomplish something blurry. But life is not a race, it’s a marathon. So we have to keep our pace moving. We shouldn’t feel tired.

We should stay upfront. We should feel motivated by our lapses. It will make us even stronger.Edit

And things will surely even get better.

Posted in Thoughts

Road To My 24th Year

My life today is different from usual and what I have expected. It’s strange. And funny.

10 years ago, when everything was so far from maturity, one of the things that interests me the most and that I’d always love to talk about was all about getting married and having 5 kids before 30.

Pause. I imagine my future self laughing to death for sure while reading this post. Years from now, I may read this again but I’ll make sure my mind is clear.

Now, when I picture myself back to my 13 year-old self, the first thought is to pull her ears and give her a look of reproach instead of asking her to focus on Algebra. Haha!

So. This post will give a little highlight about my journey for the past months of being a 23-year-old young woman who is, in a most possible account, struggling in what we call “age crisis”. As what I have used to do when my birthday is almost around the corner, I write for myself. And this is what I am doing today.

I am still 23 years old yet I feel so old. Old to the extent that I feel like I am already running out of time to achieve all my goals and that it is already too late to do the things that a 23 year-old woman does such as partying and/or going on a date, shopping, and wearing swimsuits and perfect eyebrows. Not that it is neccessary for a 23 year-old adult to do, but it’s what I see these days that sometimes make me feel insecured. Nevertheless, I am happy for what I am today, that I am able to serve the Lord in performing my church duties, and for what I have owned so far.

My life for the past 11 months has never been friendly and smooth. As the matter of fact, I got terminated twice this year in my previous jobs, told that I am not capable of doing the things I forsee I will be doing, and that I am less human because I have forgotten my worth as a woman. And it sucks to think that there are some who think this way towards me. They think they could bring me down by thinking that I am weak but little do they know this made me stronger and keep going.

Upon my journey, the only thing that I never let erased in my mind is to move forward without causing anguish in other people’s life. And that is, for certain, became one of my major motivations in life.

There is so much to say but here I am sharing three of the many realizations and lessons I learned this year:

1. I learned to focus on my goals than on waiting for anyone’s broken promises in me to be fulfilled.

I learned to fix myself back on my own track and focus in everything that would make me the person I desire. Despite my struggles, I remained faithful to God. I know everyone has their own puzzles to be solved and yet mine still remained unsolved and it is because I am still in the process of finding the right pieces of my own. Here, I am enjoying.

2. People never learned how to be contented. We always crave for more. And it’s okay.

Looking back, I realize that year by year there are new things I add up to my bucketlists. It brings pressure in me but I am into it now for it pushes me to do the right thing and eye whatever bests for me.

3. It’s never a job of a woman to chase a man.

This year, I decided to pick the debris of my broken self and seek long-lasting joy. This is the time when I feel the confidence of saying “I don’t care anymore”. I love it when I do not feel any pang of hurt nor bitterness when I think about my past. I just don’t care by now. But really, I am thankful.

I am honestly unsure of what is waiting for me, and what is in the future, and who I am going to be with. But I am very much excited to be in the position and place where I could tell the world “this is where I am supposed to be”. I am excited to be the person who could inspire everyone to be true in their hearts, and to never stop believing, doing their bests to give light to other people.Edit

Now that I am about to face another chapter of my life, I will certainly begin it with a positive note that I will only stop when my role in this world is done.

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized

pagtakas…

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Sa pagtakbo ng matulin, sa pagtakas mula sa mapait na kahapon, tila dinala ko ang lahat ng kahapisan. Muli mo akong hahanapin ngunit hindi matatagpuan. Ipinapangako ko na luluha ka sa pagkawala ko- isang taong umibig sa’yo ng lubusan. Tatakbo ka ng matulin mahabol lang ako. At kahit saan mo ibaling ang iyong tingin, hindi mo ako makikita. Hindi ka magwawaging mahagkan ako muli. Nakagapos ako sa kawalan at naghihintay ng pagkalagot ng hininga dulot ng sakit na ipinadanas mo sa akin sa nagdaang taon. Nang ako’y iyong iniwan, hindi ko kinaya. Kumapit ako ng lubusan na halos makalimutan ko ang halaga ng aking pagkatao. Nagdanas ako ng hirap sa pagkumbinsing mahalin mo ako muli. Ako’y tila isang ibong bumagsak mula sa paglipad nang matamaan ng mga bala- ang iyong mga masasakit na salita na halos tumulak sa aking wasakin ang aking buhay. Sinabi mong hindi mo na ako mahal. At may bagong nagmamay-ari ng iyong puso. Ngunit muli akong lumipad. Pinilit ko. Para sa’yo. Para sa ating dalawa. Halos lumuha ako ng dugo sa pagmamakaawa sa’yo na ako’y muli mong balikan at ‘wag iwan. Ngunit hindi mo ginawa. Hindi ka bumalik at ako’y umasa at naghintay ng matagal. Lumapit ako subalit ako’y tinulak mo palayo. Nang ako’y tumakbo, hindi mo ako hinabol. Tumakbo ako na sobrang bigat ng dala sa aking dibdib. Nang ako’y hindi mo na natanaw, iyo mo akong hinanap at hinabol na parang asong sabik na sabik mahagkan ng kanyang amo. At ngayong ako’y nakagapos sa kawalan at naghihintay ng pagkalagot ng hininga, hindi na ako umaasang tayo ay magkakabalikan pa. Sapagkat ako na ang sumuko. Hindi na ako lilingon pang muli sa’yo hanggang sa tuluyan akong maglaho na parang bula at pagsisihan ang lahat ng iyong ginawa. Danasin mo ang hirap ng pagkawala ng taong umiibig sa’yo. Hanapin mo ako kahit saan hanggang sa ika’y mabaliw ng lubusan. Mamahalin mo ako subalit wala kang mapapala. Pagsisihan mo ang pag-iwan sa akin. Hinding-hindi mo ako makikita.

 

kcc.

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized

bliss

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I’ve been feeling tired of doing the things I used to do, specifically write something and read more, since I became attracted in my new found interest- hiking. It doesn’t give me the feeling of excitement anymore. It is frustrating but I don’t want them to completely become just an option when I have nothing to do. It sounds not good actually but today? It’s different. Today, I have the initiative to write something because, I just realized that I’ve missed it so much and that it feels like I am being called again to do it and I feel like I am obliged to open a book and read for the whole day. If only books could talk, I would have been scolded by them right now. And if words could just slap me, I would have cried already.

I haven’t yet posted anything here since the beginning of the year. I even have not yet finished reading a book. But since it is the second month of the year and it isn’t yet too late (it’s never late for anything), I would be glad to spend some time any time this month on reading and writing: my original happiness, as what I have promised to seek as my ultimate goal for this year.

Of course, I don’t wanna lose the friendship I’ve built for too long with reading and writing that’s why I am going to begin it today. I’ll start again. I will write my travel experiences so that I have something to read on. I will share my thoughts, and emotions.

May I regain my enthusiasm with these fascinations.

tine