Posted in life, Uncategorized

Road To My 23rd Year

Upon writing this one, it just came to my mind that this year is about to end. And that 30 days from now, another blank space of my life will begin to be filled with new yet exciting events.

As an adult, it’s very important to think about our future in general. One thing is because our lives move in a forward fashion and of the fact that we are never getting any younger. One might think we need to be health-conscious as early as our young age, and be aware financially- save money and invest. These factors may create lapses in our everyday lives once neglected to prioritize. Remember, our future relies on how we prepare ourselves today.

To think about it in advance is basically a big step in having a beautiful, prosperous life which is something everyone aims for. For certain scenarios like crossing the streets, I always imagine what my life would be in the next coming days and this leads me to think and act positively; and I manage to keep the what-ifs in an active mode before doing the things that are cooking up in my head because, I might do wrong. I hate frustrations by the way.

I find it valuable to always think about our life in the succeeding days every single moment of our lives because, that’ll push us make whatever our goals in a day happen and create a relevant and memorable moment each day with our friends and family in particular, regardless of whatever challenges this life may bring along our ways.

30 days from now, I’ll be turning 23, an age in which I’ve dreamed of having a boyfriend when I was 8 (crazy, isn’t it?); a time in which I’ve predicted myself 15 years ago to be a successful bookstore owner– rich and already able to put her family from poverty. It’s funny how these dreams still remain as they are. But who knows? Miracle happens everywhere, I believe. I might wake up one morning that all these ultimate dreams have been granted already.

30 days from now, many things will change for sure. I won’t expect anything big (but possibly) would happen in my 23rd year. My only dream is to make my goals from the very beginning guaranteed, to venture as well my family in a much convenient life; for myself– to move forward and continue to aim high.

Furthermore, I am writing this to remind my 22-year old self to keep herself on track because lately, she seemed to be loosing it. HAHA! But anyhow, she was able to cope with whatever. When I say whatever, it means anything forlorn. Boom! I am beyond happy believe it or not.

In 30 days, a new chapter of my life will begin to unfold. There may be a melancholic feeling as I write this but yeah, at least I know I am moving and that I am not living in the past anymore (how I wish I could explain it further but I just don’t know how. This may somehow prove that there are really things in this life that we can not explain but only feel. HAHAHA!). I just wish myself to never let the sadness torture her again.

In 30 days, I’ll be facing a new voyage. I am ready.

Pray me a happy expedition!

tine

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Posted in words

An Open Letter To Myself

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You were telling me yesterday how things had been for the past couple of weeks. I was listening in every word you say, and on how you relate to me everything that happened. From your words and from the way you say them, it was clearly expressed that you were not happy, that you were completely broken.
 
I saw you this morning breaking down when I was awaken by your mourns. And I could even imagine how painful your situation is. It’s totally bad. It hurts me, actually. I could not stand seeing you by that situation so, I consoled you with all my might. And fortunately, I was able to convince you to stop crying.
 
And at this very moment, as I look at my reflection at the mirror, I can see that you are guilty of one thing. And that is of letting him in and broke your heart once again. I can also see the pain in your swollen eyes brought by too much crying and suffering. And you know what? It breaks me into pieces.
 
You do not deserve this kind of life. You are wonderful enough to experience this kind of agony. You deserve to be happy. My dear self, you have to let it go now and move on. 
 
You deserve someone better. You don’t deserve the man who will throw you profanities, who will joke you as if you’re nothing, who will humiliate you in front of his parents, who does not go with your travels, who does not want to be introduced to your new friends, who does not see a future with you, who calls you bad names, who controls you in your activities, who walks away and leaves you because he’s mad, who asks space from you for a lifetime, and who is not proud of having you as his girlfriend.
 
You do not deserve that kind of man. You do not deserve him.
 
I’ve been always telling you that you deserve someone who will look after you every second, every minute of your life because you are amazing. You deserve the man who won’t let you travel alone as he is afraid that something bad might happen to you. You deserve someone who wants to see the beauty of this world with you, someone who observes your every step along the trail as you trek through the jungle and reach the summit of a mountain. You deserve the man who will go with you to the Church and hold your hands and together you will pray. You deserve the man who is proud of you; who will proudly introduce you to his friends, relatives, and family.
 
You deserve respect and more than anything else, you deserve the man you will bring joy, happiness, and peace in you everyday; the man who will buy you books, read your essays, and support you in everything you desire.
 
Stop crying, my dear self. You are not worthy of the pain you’re feeling. I know that because I’ve seen how much you cared for this man, and how much effort you exerted for the sake of your relationship; you fought very hard for this man, you loved him more than anything else. But shit happens, things sometimes turn in a wrong direction, people sometimes do not see our worth.
 
You are not lost. You have never been, remember that. No one can blame you for falling in love for the second time with your first love. If loving him was right then, you just did the right thing; you did your part. But things have changed now. You’ve had enough. You learned your lesson so please stop hurting yourself by falling in love with him again. Do not let him in anymore.
 
And I am really sorry for you being broken today. Today, feel the pain. It is just the beginning of this stupid game. You are strong and I believe you will be able to get over with the torture, bitterness, and hatred in your heart. Eventually, you will be happy that it will bring light to the lives of other people. Because you are such an inspiration.
 
Let the pain make you stronger. Let the pain make you move on. Let the pain make you forgive him, the man who broke your heart. Let the pain change you to a brand new person. Let the pain teach you to not look back.
 
And let the pain make you smile genuinely forever.
kcc.
Posted in life, Uncategorized

1st Year With WordPress

Happy Anniversary, WordPress!

Yeah! I’m celebrating my first anniversary with WordPress this month. It did not occur to me until I opened my account two hours ago and saw in my notification that it is my Anniversary with WordPress!

This sounds great, isn’t it? I feel so grateful that beyond my busy schedules, I am still able to access and look into my write-ups in here. And it just feels good that after all the reasons why I have created this blog, I’ve been able to know more about myself. I mean, I’ve been true enough with my words in all my posts here and I can say that it helped me improve in this activity.

I have nothing much to say as I just wanna express my gratitude with WordPress for letting me have an outlet of all my thoughts.

I am looking forward to painting my voice through this site and making my dreams possible to come true.

Thanks a lot!

kcc.

Posted in life, Uncategorized

To The Man Who Broke My Heart

Remember the 26th night of March when we both were sitting on this bench? You were talking about the things we had been through. I was looking up the skies as if counting the stars above, praying deep down to change your mind to not break up with me, while you were bringing up random memories I still completely remember. I wanted to lean on your shoulder and cry. I wanted to ask you to stop talking and just listen to my sob.
 
But you seemed to enjoying the moment of having a chance to talk. I was just sitting beside you, humming inside my head the song you used to sing for me when you asked me to become your girlfriend three years ago; reminiscing those beautiful memories in the past, feeling your voice. I was listening in every word you speak as to why you’re asking for a lifetime space.
 
I knew exactly where it would go when you first invited me that afternoon to have a serious talk with you. And I proved myself correct. You said you’re breaking up with me because, you don’t feel any spark anymore and you’re tired. I told you that I felt the same way but only you who wanted to give up.
I did not say anything. I just cried and cried and cried until I was naive enough to feel the pain. When you stood up and kissed me goodbye, I didn’t bother to move because I knew that after a minute or two, you’d come back. This time, I was wrong.
 
I was wrong with all that I had expected from you. I was wrong in believing that you would never hurt me and break my heart. I was wrong in everything I had thought about having a wonderful life with you in the future. I was wrong that that moment you would return to say sorry and ask me to forgive you for all the things you had just said. I was wrong enough to trust you.
 
I waited for your return until many minutes had passed, I was still alone in the dark. It felt as if my world had crashed into smaller pieces. While sitting alone, my mind was filled with so many questions that answers were no where to be found. I was like solving a puzzle no one could ever resolve but you. And it almost killed me.
 
I should have said something before you walked away. I should have followed to ward you off. I should have begged you to come back. I should have fought for us. But I didn’t do anything because I was rubbery and crying like a baby. And I blamed myself for letting you walked away.
 
And today, the memories of the past are crawling back to me. And funny how it makes me weep at this moment. I am here in the place where you ended our love story. I am sitting exactly in the spot where I experienced my very first heartbreak. Never will I forget the moment you said you’re breaking up with me because you were tired of our relationship and that you were no longer feeling any spark. Never. Because it was exactly the first time in my life to have felt like being stabbed. It was painful.
I was hoping back then that by writing down all my feelings after you’ve left, you would find a way back to me. I was hoping that one day, we’d be together once again and would fight for all the things we once have shared, all those memories that have been shattered everywhere.
 
To the man who broke my heart, I thank you.
 
In those days that I was in the process of healing, I learned that there are so many things beyond this life. I learned that I can still get up in the morning despite the pain, and that I am brave enough to face this agony. I learned that we really can not get the things that we want for a life time and that life is inevitable to teach us lessons sometimes in a harsh and stupid ways.
I have forgiven the past- you. I don’t feel any heavy punch whenever you appear in my mind. Yet, I am lying if I said that part of me does not linger for you. Because the truth is, I still miss you. I miss all the things about you. But thank you. Thank you for all the lessons and realizations.
 
And thank you for at least I’ve been privileged to be loved by you.
tine
Posted in life, Uncategorized

perfectly puzzled…

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I hope I could find my way again as I feel lost. I don’t know who I am anymore, and what I want to do, and where I want to go. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about forgiving myself for being who I am today, trying to find out the things that could totally make me happy, and searching the meaning of happiness in every single thing or person I meet along my way. I do the things I am not supposed to do. I don’t any longer know how to filter the words I am about to say. I don’t have control to myself anymore. I am drained with the fact that I am confused about something I cannot figure out what is. I have been thinking about it my whole life.

 

My life is an example of an insignificant existence.

 

Nothing’s left to me stable. And the rest of my senses have found their way out that caused me a lot of trouble. I am no longer able to distinguish what is right and what is wrong. I also have forgotten the importance of seeing the truth in one’s eyes, even how to do it. It feels like the light that used to enlighten my way and being has dimmed out. It seems to me that I don’t get the meaning of every lecture I am receiving, despite that I can hear every word. I find it hard to inhale all the good around me for I am not sure if there is any. And whenever I try to breathe out the air I carry within me, I always hope it includes all the toxic in this life.

 

I do not know what is going on.

 

Good thing I still know my name, but who really I am? I have no idea anymore.

kcc.